It's socialtastic! It's interactivaceous! It's going to be the Biggest Thing in fundraising since the ten-cent apple.
Future Fundraising Now Amalgamated Industries℠ proudly announces the Charity Research Education Target Information Network (CRETIN). It's a new thing using the internet and technology to allow donors to connect with the charities they like in some powerful new ways.
Best of all, CRETIN will free you, the fundraiser, from the embarrassing burden of raising funds!
Features of CRETIN include:
- Donors who join get daily email, text, and robo-voice phone calls with updates from their favorite charities. There are extra reports whenever there's a board meeting or a brand change.
- Donors who join are required to post daily thoughts about their favorite charities to the CRETIN social network site.
- Donors are also required to find replacement donors for themselves should they leave, become too impoverished to give, or die.
- Donors whose activity fails to keep pace with the community in general will be "encouraged" to be more active participants in the fun.
- Best of all, our patented new Contact Over Network (CON) device (see photo). This is a special Bluetooth device that the donor is required to carry at all times. When a donor comes within 30 feet of another donor who has a CON device, the two devices will begin singing out the names of the charities the two donors support. Unfortunately, the CON device will cost donors $401 at launch, but as the network starts to take off, we'll have economy of scale to bring that price down.
Facebook? Old hat.
Twitter? Whatever.
Email? Stop kidding around.
Direct mail? What's that?
This is just the beginning of what will truly be a revolution in fundraising. Here's just some of what CRETIN will make possible:
- Donors will actually respond to your new branding initiatives.
- You'll be able to raise funds from eight-year-olds.
- Your friends who work at dot-coms will stop sneering at your career choice.
- You'll get revenue even if you never actually ask.
- You'll never have to pander to donors who have boring lifestyles.
Good news for forward-thinking nonprofits: If you sign up now, you'll be first on the list of charities what will be part of CRETIN. This offer is good only today, 1 April, 2011.
For more information, go to www.charityresearcheducationtargetinformationnetwork.org.
